Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
