So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You're like the curious george of whores
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You were trust falling into bushes
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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