I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
