So drunk its hurt
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
