everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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