So drunk, too bad you don't want this
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
