How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
