i permit you to call me
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
