My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
