The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
