What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
