Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
