Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
