I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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