dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize