he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
