I wish I only lived at night.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
