I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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