He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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