you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
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St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
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I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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