but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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