hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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