My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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