The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
