Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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