Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
