She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
