i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
