My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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