I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
