oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
