it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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