Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
