Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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