So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
