thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
