STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
