dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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