i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
