im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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