We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
