My sheets look like a crime scene.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
