if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
