glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
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I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
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Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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