Just fell off a train. Bad.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
