We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
