I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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