kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
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I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
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At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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