my phone needs a breathalizer
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
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