My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
