I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
