im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
