Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
