Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We talked him into tasing himself.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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