I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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