She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
