Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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